My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
