I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
