Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
