i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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