I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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