Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.