Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
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My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1