totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
