I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
