im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
