i already hear my dad disowning me
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
