that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
