I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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