please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The convent might be a nice break from real life
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
