I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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