Your face is a jimmy john
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
