Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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