I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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