omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
