Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he was CRYING into my vagina
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
