Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
