I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
