i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
