I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
