i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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