He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It's just like the Real World with babies
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
it's like heaven, but drunker
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
