I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
