I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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