the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
