Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
