dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
