can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Randomize
