i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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