I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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