I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
We smell like vodka and hangover
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