My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
This is classic penis vs brain.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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