If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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