she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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