If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
