Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
