I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
