If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
