Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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