my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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