you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize