On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
