Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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