I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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