I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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