I molested 6 butterflies tonight
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
