stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
