I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i just made my gag reflex go away.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
