Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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