you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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