I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
