I'm pants shitting drunk right now
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
