my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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