I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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