They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
