ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
